Tears in Heaven

I must be strong and carry on

'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

I’ve done this twice. Gone back to work after saying goodbye to a family member. 

The first time it was my brother, Bryan. I was 23 years old and it was my first year of teaching. To say that was a struggle is an understatement, but I survived and grew as a teacher. 

The second time it was my dad. I was 40 years old and spent 6 months traveling back and forth to NY after my dad had a significant injury from a freak trip and fall accident. The last time I went to NY, I knew when I left that I was saying goodbye and I would not see dad again. My prayer as I left was for healing whether that came to him here on earth or in heaven. I knew he needed to heal. I came home on Sunday night and went to work on Monday morning. I called my mom during my planning period to check-in and she told me he was gone. I walked back into the classroom in tears to tell my co-teacher that I needed to go home. I cried on my way to tell my principal and received hugs from more people than I even remember. 

Sitting at home the next day after all the phone calls were made and no more tears would come, I debated whether I should go back to school for the rest of the week. It was one of my favorite weeks of the year. The week before our holiday break in December. We had special events planned and I always looked forward to giving the kids my handwritten thank you notes for the first semester. 

I made the decision to go back to work for the last 3 days of the term. It was precisely what I needed. The kids had letters and notes to me to lift me up and show that they are there. They showed wisdom well beyond their years. The level of empathy that they displayed at 10/11 years old gives me hope for our world. 

And now I have to let them go without a proper goodbye. School has just been canceled for the rest of the year because of a global health crisis. I don’t question the decision to close the school, but I’m beyond sad. In a year of loss, this one hurts more than just saying goodbye at the end of the year. 

Every year a new group of kids enters my classroom and I work tirelessly to build the kind of place where everyone is included. It's difficult and doesn't always work out as planned, but there is always at least a little bit of success. The kids make friends in my classroom that they keep for a long time (I know this because I Facebook stalk their parents' photos 😝). 

In the end, I am safe at home and everyone in my house is healthy, but that doesn't make it any less painful. I'm still grieving my dad and now I'm adding to that grief the loss of the class that got me through it. I know we are still 'e-learning' and I still get to see their faces and talk to them, but it is not the same. 

So I grieve - 

Their big hugs.

Laughs at my misspelling of names.

Losing my phone AGAIN.

Their drawings and animations.

The one who wouldn't stop reading during my lessons. 

The timekeeper. 

Poems.

Group read aloud after recess.

Recess conversations with the hilarious student that came up with a new theory behind global warming. 

Stories of Brad Pitt's evil plots.
Long hair is for boys and girls. 
That's gay is not an insult. 

Book talks.

Crew Meetings.

Laughing at bad puns.

Donut chairs popping.

Grandma's Underwear.

Alibi.

Field Day. 

Exhibition.

5th Grade Finale.

Room 327

How are you doing today?

All Fall Down

Whenever your world starts crashing down

That's when you find me...

As we are parenting during a pandemic it seems like I have taken a step back into

the playbook of my childhood. The unhealthy snacks are back, the days of unlimited

television have returned, and there is nothing that can’t be fixed by going outside to play.

When we head to the store the only things left are Lunchables and pizza rolls,

so I guess we have to be ok with that. And honestly, I’m good with it.

What we will remember from the pandemic is what we remember.

If that’s a bunch of junk food, so be it! Unfortunately, it was a whole lot easier

to eat these foods when I was a kid. Something doesn’t sit right now as an adult,

but I guess that’s the real reason why we needed so much toilet paper isn’t it?

We are also baking again (not me, because it's not my jam). Lots and lots of baked goods.

My students are learning to cook and bake at alarming rates. I can’t believe that they are

spending so much time on culinary skills. What about math and reading?!?

Oh, wait....we might just be helping the next generation find a new passion or a new career path!

It seems that we have also lost our competitive nature, the helicopters and lawnmowers are disappearing

and we are parenting and loving the best that we can. The questions on social media are changing.

The ‘How do I do to make my kid do all the assigned work and keep them busy with academic pursuits?’

has morphed into.....'what will the consequences be for my kid if we do baking, cleaning, mowing,

and putting things together instead of that test prep software?'

Who cares?!?!? Not all of us have made that leap,

but I predict that it will happen sooner rather than later.

Screen time has been the biggest debate of the last 10 years, but it seems in this pandemic we are all losing that focus.

I know that we have definitely had some strange conversations about screens in our house over the last month.

You want to have a double feature? Sure, we can watch 2 movies back to back. It’s not like we have anywhere else to go.

Purchasing a new game system has also crossed my mind a few hundred times. However, I don't want to pay pandemic

prices which I think is also out of my mom's parenting playbook.

Kids are finding out how to build things. We spent 5 hours assembling a basketball hoop outside on Saturday

and my kid now can use a wrench, socket wrench, screwdriver, and a rubber mallet with the best of them.

Our next task is going to have to be related to fixing the fence that we have destroyed with all of our outside time.

I'm really hoping that the fence survives all of the balls that have been kicked against it.

Anyone who has ever seen my son play soccer knows that is no small feat.

Opt outside has been a motto for many years for a well-known outdoor outfitter, but how many of us have

actually been trying to get outside every day? With all of the indoor play places and playgrounds closed, we have

rediscovered our backyard. We have learned to play ladder-ball, horse, and search for spiders.

We found a ‘skull spider’. I have no idea if that’s what it is called but my son said he has a skull on his back

so that has to be its name. We sat on the porch and watched the rain. We have spent hours reading and drawing outside.

And honestly, my need for the sun and the warmth of the spring breeze has trumped almost everything else in treating

my anxiety and worry about the pandemic.

We have always enjoyed watching the different birds in our yard and this morning I was reminded,

by my sister, how fun it is to watch an Animal Planet show unfold in your front yard.

Whether it's watching the birds build a nest or a cat catch a squirrel, it's amazing to notice the things

that have been happening every day when we are too busy to notice.

So as we continue to navigate unknown situations in this crazy pandemic,

don’t forget to smile and enjoy the little things that are happening around you.

After all, it’s not like we can do anything about it.  If there is one thing that I will take with me from this pandemic for the rest of my life it would be to look at the world through the eyes of a child again. I think about how frightening yet exciting this must be for a child and I'm in awe in how they are all handling it. Maybe that means we are doing a good job as adults, I don't know. Whatever it might be, this is quite the experience. Whether that child is a teenager, who doesn't want to write a stupid journal because it's stupid or an 8-year-old who believes that he is a teenager, I think that my perspective has certainly been changed for good.

On a side note, when this is over I also really need to do something nice for my neighbor

who has been retrieving all of our rogue athletic equipment.

Any advice on what would make a suitable thank you gift?